My computer died a bit ago and the moment the broken video card became a reality, I burst into tears. It's a cry I already feel silly about, especially since all I really used the thing for is Facebook, blogging, and Netflix. I'm not much of a crier so it's always a little bit of a surprise when something just a little emotional opens the floodgates. [I sometimes wish I was more able to process inner turmoil through tears. There's an amazing cathartic power in just letting out whatever is festering inside and not worrying about mascara, puffy eyes, or pathetic sounds and faces that are inevitable through the process. I'm working on it. The death of my computer was good practice.] But really, the death of my laptop was about more than my computer.
The laptop was given to me by a boy who was crazy about me. He was the kind of guy who didn't go gaga over girls, but for a minute, I had something like that effect on him. And he certainly did on me. He let me into his usually very private world and it was great. It's both scary and wonderful to have someone let you in where strangers aren't allowed. I've never been very good at opening those doors, even a crack. I came out of that place with a new appreciation for dedication, pride (the good kind), faith, and whatever it is in a man that makes him an admirable leader. I felt in a way that I hadn't in a long time, or ever before.
It was an unusual relationship that ultimately dissolved into an extended back and forth, with a lot of miscommunication, pride (the bad kind), and hurt feelings. There are a lot of things that probably could have been done differently on both sides, but in the end it's something that I just needed to let go of for a lot of reasons. I made that decision months ago. But I still had his computer. It still had his bookmarks and it represented, I think, some evidence that the gaga was real, at least for a while, and I wasn't quite ready to entirely move on from that I guess. How strange that no matter how on board you are logically with an emotional transition, the emotions sometimes just take a while to catch up. Slowpoke emotions, seriously. The death of my computer was a healthy cut of that last thread. What good is a computer that hums as if its working, but will not function properly to its purpose?
There's hope in this borderline traumatic experience. I know what I want and I know what I don't want, making computer shopping all the easier. It is guaranteed that whatever machine comes next will be better for me than the one before. The same goes for a man I know more about what I want; character traits I need, how I want to feel, qualities to avoid. Whatever is next, will be better. For me. For sure.
Now, on to laptop shopping. In the meantime, I've dusted off the old Firstline Dell (also a hand-me-down) that still has Napster bookmarked and is miraculously functioning at full capacity despite a few cosmetic damages (i.e. the entire frame of the screen is hanging on by just a hinge).
Just a rebound, 'til I can find a dreamy replacement :)
Not many people can cover John Mayer and not sound amateur. YouTube diva, Melissa Polinar does this sweet rendition of his song Heart of Life. Really skip to 0:48 to bypass her blah blah talking.
I do know the heart of life is good.